5 Weeks and in a state of panic

5 Weeks to go and I'm not gonna lie but the pressure is starting to build.

Everything is more-or-less sorted to be honest. Its now my own doubts and insecurities that are keeping me awake at night. I keep reading wedding blogs and hints and tips on how to lower expectations and not expect this 'perfect' wedding, if small things go wrong its no 'biggie' and you'll probably look back on it and laugh. Eventually.

But how on earth do you keep your expectations low when you've spent over a year planning, organising, designing, changing your mind then changing it again? Spending money you don't really have all on this one day. Its almost impossible to accept anything less than perfection?

To be honest it really isn't the little things that are worrying me, if I forget to put on my earrings or forget to take a little sign for the table down then it wont be the end of the world. My fears are deep rooted in a much more personal way, and they really terrify me.

Without wanting to draw attention to it, I do feel I need to be honest about this - I have been told on more than one occasion that I should 'talk about it' and 'tell people' because if people don't know that there's a problem then they won't know to help, so here go's...

...I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, a little while ago they crippled me to a point of severe depression. I was having the panic attacks during the night, when I went out, at work, they stopped me sleeping and eating properly, I ended up leaving my job and stopped me going out and enjoying myself at all. Although I have the anxiety a lot more under control now it is still there and occasionally rears its ugly head when I'm tired/stressed etc.

My councillor asked me to describe these panic attacks to better understand them. If you tell most people 'I have panic attacks' they don't always grasp what you are going through, comments like "So...what you feel a bit nervous? Everyone feels like that! Get over it" such comments are most unhelpful.

So I'll try my best to describe it, this is at its worst...

For me it always starts with my stomach, its in knots, feel nauseous, uncomfortable, full, anything to do with my stomach. This is because the root of my panic attacks lies within my phobia. I have an extreme and almost debilitating fear of being sick, as in physically vomiting. This fear is called 'emetophobia'. It is a completely irrational fear which I have battled with for years to gain control of, and which very few people seem to grasp - because no one 'likes' to be sick, its not pleasant and I can rationalise that its generally just my body trying to get rid of something harmful and generally afterwards you tend to feel a bit better. But when the panic grips me all rational thought goes out of the window, and believe me when I say I would love to know why?!?

Anyway...once I feel anything to do with my stomach then I'll get hot - like really hot - feels like I'm burning up and get so uncomfortable until the heat and stomach discomfort make it impossible to sit still. At this point I tend to start breathing deeply - it feels like I can't get enough air into my lungs, I become completely unable to sit still and pace around the room - now I tend to get the shakes as the adrenaline rushes through me, and when I say 'the shakes' its like my whole body shivers violently. My mouth will feel dry - like I have to sip water, but when I do the nauseated feeling in the back of my throat and stomach stops me from swallowing. I'll feel light headed and like I can't focus my eyes on any one thing or concentrate on anything other than the intense fear that has gripped my entire body both emotionally and physically. I will often cry uncontrollably.

This feeling tends to last between 5-20 minutes, although I have on a few small occasions had it last a little longer. When it is a full blown panic attack as described above I deal with it badly, tending to lock myself in the bathroom with water to sip, open the window to let air in, strip down to my undergarments and hold a cold wet flannel to my face and chest to cool me down. I seem to have these 'full blown hide-in-the-bathroom' type panic attacks mostly at night, waking up suddenly at 1am and feeling like this totally out of the blue is exhausting. It is awful, and I truly wouldn't wish this upon anyone.

Unfortunately it does not end there, after the initial panic has gripped me for those horrifying 5-20 minutes it can take me hours to completely calm down, cool down, slow my breathing down, get some focus back and let the adrenaline leave my system and the shaking stop. By which point I've been awake most of the night, am exhausted, my body will ache all over from the shaking my muscles have been doing and I'll feel completely drained of energy. It can take me 2 days to get my appetite back after a bad episode. At my worst this was happening almost every night and sometimes during the day as well. And if I was out/at work when I had an anxiety attack I felt like I couldn't deal with it - like I needed to lock myself in my bathroom and cool down - how I didn't end up some sort of crazy shut-in afraid to leave the house I do not know.

Obviously the anxiety is not always that extreme. I do experience occasional smaller episodes which I can sometimes deal with quickly and quietly through deep breathing, sipping water and distraction techniques and which I can pass and recover from in a tiny amount of time. - I have even tackled some of these smaller ones whilst driving/at work/out with people etc. Every time I do manage control its like a mini 'win' for me but its also not always possible. I carry water with me at all times just in case I need to have a refreshing little sip just to keep it at bay and I use my car as a security blanket that if I ever feel so bad I need to leave then I can just jump in my car and be off. Generally driving focuses me and takes my mind off the anxiety as well - my car feels like quite a safe place to be, I am in control and can go anywhere I need to deal with it.

So now for my ultimate fear...that I freak out and have a panic attack on the day of the wedding. My fear lying in that all eyes will be on me, I'll be strapped into a dress with no escape - I'm obviously hoping for nice weather but am also aware that if I start to feel hot and uncomfortable that could trigger my anxiety. I wont have water with me (yes this is as ridiculous as it sounds) as I wont have a handbag. I'll be nervous anyway which increases my general likelihood that I will freak out as that feeling of 'butterflies in my tummy' gets the better of me. I wont have my car with me and no means of 'getting away' if I needed to. I'm nervous about my dress being uncomfortable - its not ridiculously tight but the ribbon around the waist gives little/no room for movement and sits perfectly around my ribs - I'm worried that this discomfort as I'm nervous hot and trying to catch my breath will trigger the panic attack.

And its not just the ceremony I'm worried about (obviously Much less worried about the reception as I will have water on the table, can get up and leave/go to the loo if I want too, we'll even have our own hotel room to book into on the evening if I needed to slip away for a moment of privacy.) But eating at the reception, alcohol, the getting ready on the morning with nails/hair/make up, a million people in and outta the house, feeling hot and bothered with the photographer looking at me and everyone hugging me and asking how I am. Its all just rather fussy.

The night before the wedding also terrifies me - I'm supposed to be staying at my parents, however as my anxiety wields more command over me at night I would much prefer to be in my own house where I can control it quickly and on my own if it strikes. If I'm in my parents I'll be worried about waking people up - or hogging the bathroom in a house full of people, and also about looking stupid - its awful trying to explain how you feel to people and then they'll all have ideas about how you should calm down or tell you "you're just being silly" which doesn't help at all. And I know they're trying to help but I tend to deal with it quicker when left to my own devices.

Also the hen day worries me, I don't drink alcohol and I'm not a huge fan of eating out due to my 'Emetophobia' I'm way too afraid that alcohol will make me ill or that food is not prepared hygienically or cooked properly etc. I have not allowed this to completely dominate me and will still eat out, even if I am a little fussy and picky about what I order/eat. For the hen do we're having lunch, at a nice establishment, following a spa morning. I choose lunch as I'm generally less likely to freak out midday and alcohol is less likely to be an issue. However, eating out with 3 other people who don't know about or don't fully understand my fears makes for awkward moments when I refuse the champagne they buy as a treat or they tell me to 'eat up' as I pick around a slightly grisly looking piece of meat on my plate. The fear takes over, I want to run away.

I feel I have purged a little much here, its kind of nice to explain it from start to finish. Everyone I try to explain it to, even my nearest and dearest very rarely have the patience to listen to the full impact it has on me. These are no the fears that grip me, that I am trying to deal with and find enough resources and coping methods within myself to by-pass these feelings. I do not want to spend the next 5 weeks worrying about this, I want to enjoy it, and just enjoy the day.

I hope I can control it.